Lies

 Lies

I’m not a big fan of myself lying, not to say I haven’t lied or that I don’t lie every now and then (though I do my best to avoid being put in situations where I need to lie), and I’m fine with other people lying because I know that sometimes it’s just the best and easiest option (and yes, sometimes lying is the best option, despite some people’s opinions). There are a number of smaller reasons for this, but there is one big reason that stems from Him (for those of you who don’t know who He is, here is a link to another story starting with the details on that however that story does talk about a girl who committed suicide so you may not want to read the whole thing https://zanevi4.blogspot.com/2020/03/ill-never-forget-her.html). Now, this is not a pretty story but it does involve graphic and horrific violence and death, so if you want to avoid reading that now would be a good time to click away from this, to everyone who continues on I’m sorry but this will likely be difficult to read.

            The first memory involved two friends who were inseparable and We spent months studying them, learning what they liked, what they did, where they went in their free time, and what each one was striving to succeed in. Once We learned this He had decided he wanted to turn them against each other, to turn best friends into enemies.

We spent weeks setting things up, getting ready to sabotage one of the friends at an important tryout and frame the other friend for it. It worked, and the once best friends turned on each other, becoming bitter rivals in everything they did. They spent a year at each other’s throats before someone finally found out that they were tricked, though they never found out We had caused it.

            This is where things start to get really dark so this is your last chance to stop reading. The second memory is a little bit simpler, but much worse. We were walking home on day, and we heard a woman weakly calling out for help from the side of the road. We looked over and whoever she was she was badly hurt, it looked like she had been beaten and left to die, and she definitely wasn’t going to make it through the night without help. He left her there, alone, on the side of the road, while she begged Us for help. She was never on the news, and the next day her body wasn’t there, but there was plenty of blood where she had been, too much blood for anyone to have lived.

            The third, and final memory I’ll be talking about, is much worse than the others so I’ll try to make it as quick as possible. We was walking through a town and found a homeless man. He was just laying there, asleep, and He walked over and just started beating him, for no reason. It was brutal, merciless, and unrelenting. I vividly remember every second of it, the feel of bone breaking beneath Our fists, the spray of warm blood on Our skin, the brief moments the man had to cry out before he was gone, and how He felt nothing while doing it.

            I’m sure you’re wondering what the point is here, how are these related to why I don’t like lying. It’s because all those memories I just shared with you have one thing in common, they’re not real. These memories were fabricated by Him, a “final gift” before He died. He left me dozens of false memories, all varying in their level of cruelty and horror but all memories I could tell were clearly false. He also left memories that I’m not sure about, ones that could be either real or false, and then there’s also the chance he left memories that I think are real but aren’t.

            I’ve done my best to fact check my memories using online newspapers, reports, local stories, but there’s always the chance I’ve missed something, there’s years of memories after all. I can’t say with 100% certainty why He left these memories in my head, I think it’s because He knew He was dying and He thought that these memories would make me stronger since I would be all that was left of Him. Whatever the reason is I’m left with these terrible memories, half of them are what makes up the nightmares I occasionally have.

            I share this because it’s part of my story and I think it needs to be told and it shows more what He was like. I doubt that many people will find anything in this they can relate to or anything that can help them in their daily life. I doubt that many people will even make it to this point, and to those who have thank you for reading, I know it probably wasn’t an easy read and I hope the rest of your day is wonderful and bright.

Broken

Broken

Hello again, today I’m going to talk about the broken parts of my body and mind. Let’s start with physically, when I was very young I was in terrible car accident, my nose was cut in half and I took a heavy hit to the left of side of my head. The lingering effect of this is brain damage to the left half of my brain, which effects the right side of my body, and also caused pretty much system wide nerve damage. My ability to feel any kind of physical sensation is heavily diminished because of this.

I don’t feel heat and cold like normal people, I don’t feel physical pressure or pain to the same extent, and certain parts of my body have almost no feeling. The right side of my body is slightly off compared to the left, a slight droop to the skin, a limp in my right leg, my right arm doesn’t normally move when I walk, and when I smile the right side of my mouth doesn’t lift properly to form a full smile unless I put effort into it, and I mean actual effort that strains the muscles in my face.

One of the common things this effects is something like a hug, the feeling I have along most of my chest, arms, and hands is deadened, so I don’t really feel whoever I’m hugging. I still give hugs to friends and family when they’re needed, but I don’t normally do it because I don’t like that I can’t really feel whoever I’m hugging.

This may not seem like much compared to the next few things, but imagine not feeling the embrace of those you love, not something I like doing a lot. The type of hug I prefer, though this again is more for me, is being hugged from behind, though I doubt this is as comforting to the other person.

I also have delayed ejaculation, the opposite of premature ejaculation, it is difficult for me to actually be able to orgasm, sometimes it’s not possible at all. There are times when I can try multiple times in one day but still not be able to, the longest stretch so far has been three days of active effort, indirectly six days because of it. There are times it is easier to do, since it’s tied to my nerve damage, but more often than not it is large pain and something I’m concerned with in the future as it can cause problems in relationship.

The main problem, aside from all of that, is the fried nerve endings. Though they have little to no feeling, I suffer from something akin to phantom limb syndrome, I’m sure there’s a name for it, but my brain thinks it’s receiving signals from these nerve endings, the last signal received from them before they got fried, which is pain.

Everyday I suffer from pain due to this, most of the time it’s not a major issue, mostly mildly annoying as I’ve learned to live with it. Sometimes it goes past this point to become a nuisance and distraction, and there are occasional flares throughout the day that are painful which make it difficult to function but I can grit my teeth and bear it. Then, there are the very bad moments, which are rare thankfully.

These moments are often brought on by high stress and strenuous physical activity, but when the pain really flares up it’s crippling. It’s so intense that it takes over every other sense, it’s impossible to think or feel anything other than the all encompassing pain, it literally brings me to my knees when it gets this bad, which hasn’t happened in a few weeks thankfully. I’ve recently discovered a pain patch (the Kailo Pain Patch) that I can wear that helps with the pain.

Aside from the patch, there’s a military trick I learned to help deal with the pain. Since this pain is more or less in my head, actual injuries or pain draws the attention of the brain to it, which in turn causes the other pain to subside for the most part. I usually do this by punching something, either a solid surface such as a wall, or if there is nothing around than parts of my body, often my ribs since. I’ve nearly broken my hand a few times doing this, and have bruised multiple bones in doing so, sometimes the muscle spasms brought on by the pain itself is enough to bruise bone or muscle as well.

Before this pain patch, there were basically no feasibly affordable treatments for it, this patch is basically a miracle patch for me. I have yet to tell basically any of my family other than my brother, I haven’t wanted to bring undue stress since there’s nothing they can do. I also know they’d want to try and get treatments, which we just can’t afford.

These are the physical problems I have, and the parts of my mind mirror that of my body. I’ll talk about it more in my next post, but the old me, more or less another person, He was something truly horrific. I use the term monster because it’s more understandable, but living nightmare is closer to reality. I can’t really explain Him, He’s truly alien to most concepts we have and can put into words, but He is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen, and He did terrible, horrible things that haunt me to this day, luckily He’s dead now though, but again, later post.

I won’t go into everything I suffer from, but until recently I had severe depression, I dealt with it for the past 7 years, and I chose to do so alone and without telling anyone else. I struggled every day, hating myself every second of it, wishing I wouldn’t have to wake up the next day. I prayed almost every day that when I went to sleep that it’d be the last time I closed my eyes, but, I refused to ever entertain the thought of ending it myself.

I was lucky to have friends and family that cared about me like they did, because I wouldn’t have survived on my own. I would wake up some days cold and hurting in my heart, I would tearlessly cry until I couldn’t stand it anymore, and then I’d get up anyways and go through the day, then come home and do it again.

Two things kept me going forward, one is that I had to atone for the monster I’d been, to make up for the horrible things I’d done. The second is I refused to be selfish, to give in, I refused to let my grief take over and end the pain and take my own life, because if I did, I would hurt all those people that saved me in ways I couldn’t fix if I was gone.

Luckily, I’m through with that, but I have other lingering conditions, such as OCD and Misanthropy. The version of Misanthropy I have, as there are varying degrees of it, is more or less I don’t like new people, at all. Everyone starts off on the wrong foot with me. Most people are shocked to hear I have this, as I try to be polite and civil to everyone I meet, because I know I have this condition I intentionally fight to ignore it and give everyone a chance, because I actually make friends quite easily.

My ability to process information is also affected by the brain damage, this varies in a number of different ways. I have trouble with my memory, long term retention of things, such as habits like brushing my teeth, can be difficult to impossible, I have an alarm set to brush my teeth in the morning and night because I am incapable of remembering to do so on my own. My short term memory can be quite atrocious at times because of it, I forget something said to me less than 5 seconds ago sometimes, or that I’m doing something even while I’m doing it.

Long term memory has been effected, it is harder to retain certain information, especially if it isn’t actually relevant to my life in an impactful way, which has caused problems since I’m in college and most of the information I have to deal with isn’t really relevant. Other than memory, just understanding what people are saying, or me saying something I understand clearly but is in fact quite confusing to others, which can cause a number of problems during conversation.

There is more, but I’ve already taken plenty of you’re time, so I’ll end on how I feel about all of this. I hate it, I hate being reminded of how broken I am every day, when I have pain flares, when my limp acts up, when I injure myself and can’t feel the injury, or every time I can’t remember something that was just said to me or can’t understand what’s being said to me because my brain can’t process it. I’m reminded every day that I will never be able to have a truly normal life, that my mind and body are broken in irreparable ways.

Despite this, I’m happy with my life as it is now. I’m helping people, I’ve made amazing friends, many of which I consider family, and I’ll learn to not hate what’s wrong with my body and mind someday, so don’t feel too bad for me. I’ll get to a better place someday with all of this, and one day I will be able to afford more permanent treatments for my conditions. Thank you for your time, and I hope you have a wonderful day and night.

For those interested who may be interested in the pain patch, here is a link. https://getkailo.io/offer-01/?lpid=0567&utm_source=1148&utm_medium=9150607322&utm_term=567&utm_content=&utm_campaign=0&aff_id=1148&camp_id=0&sub_id=9150607322&req_id=14d0458fb0cf4467a21f807fb6e7d21b&contract_id=0&oid=567&device_type=PC&country_name=United%20States&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIi7ql4LDa6QIVUfDACh3JdA58EAAYASAAEgLxOvD_BwE

Wanting To Hide

Wanting To Hide

So, here we are, nearing 4 months since I stepped into the world really, it’s been a jarring experience. Before all of this, I was nobody, just another hurting soul, though my past might be one of the few truly singular experiences left in the world, God I hope so, no one should go through what I did.

Anyways, I was nobody, I didn’t show myself to the world, I didn’t reach out to people, I didn’t do anything close to what I do now, I was both a-sexual and a-romantic, I barely felt any emotion other than sorrow, I had little interest in other people in general, I just slogged through the days, just waiting for sleep so I didn’t have to be awake anymore, looking forward to the day I wouldn’t wake up.

            Now, I’m in a much more public view, I talk to people, I reach out, not only am I no longer a-sexual and a-romantic, I have in fact started relationships with people, they are online relationships but they’re just as important to me as physical relationships. I feel things now, much more than hurt, I feel proper joy, happiness, I’m starting to love myself, I have these feelings for these people that I care so deeply about, honestly it’s all over whelming.

I don’t really know how to control all of these emotions, especially these feelings I’m developing for people romantically, I don’t know how to make boundaries and prevent myself from developing these feeling for other people as well, though I think I’m starting too. There’s others I’m not in relationships with that I have strong feelings for,  but I don’t want to take steps towards them until I learn how to control what I’m feeling now, because without that control I’m scared that I would end up hurting them.

All of these things are making every fiber of my being scream at me to run and hide, the voices inside my head are yelling at the top of their lungs dying to be heard. They’re all telling me that I’ve made a huge mistake and that I shouldn’t be here, that I’m going to hurt people, that I don’t deserve any of these amazing things, and that everyone would be better if I just left, that people are just lying to me and trying to hurt me even more.

Part of me agrees, I still don’t think I deserve any of the amazing things that have happened. I have new family and friends that I can’t imagine my life without. I have fans, people who enjoy the things I create, things that help them, things I plan on doing. I can feel again, hope, joy, love, even heartache, and I don’t want to let go of any of it.

I don’t want to leave, and while I don’t think I deserve any of this, I CHOOSE to embrace it, I CHOOSE to ignore the voices in my head and everything in my body telling me to hide, I CHOOSE to live a life that I can’t imagine because I WANT to live this absolutely crazy life. There will be days when those voices are louder, when I just want to shrink away from everything I’ve done, take everything down, where I just want to retreat back into the shadows of being unknown and leave all of this behind as a fantasy that never would’ve worked out.

Those days are bad, I remember all the bad things I’ve done, some people that have been hurt by what I’ve done now, and then there are the days the voices try to turn me against the people I care about. They try to find reasons for me to not trust others, for me to push them away, to build back the walls I’ve torn down, they have the foundation set already, they’re just waiting for the bricks.

Despite these days, I continue on, I ignore them as best I can no matter how loud they scream, and no matter how much it hurts to do so. I’ve chosen to believe that I’m doing the right thing, that people can actually care about me, cherish me, think of me as a good person. Not every day will be easy, and these voices aren’t leaving anytime soon, but neither am I, I plan on staying.

If you ever see me starting to stray from this path, just point me back  here, remind me of everything I’ve done, and everything I want to do, because I don’t want to leave. Thank you all for being here, thank you all for reading, and most of all, thank you for believing in me even when I don’t, thank you.

I'll Never Forget Her

I’ll Never Forget Her

Some of you might know I suffer from some form of OCD, I hate missing anything, at all when it comes to my friends. I also suffer from massive guilt, not just from what I was before which I'll get to here in a minute, but now as well. I hate hurting people, in any way, and any time I do the OCD with the guilt just starts tearing at me, screaming at me that I really haven't changed from what I was, though I know that's a lie, and normally I can ignore that inner voice, but not when I hurt people, and what I’m about to tell you is something that haunts me every day.

Now, in all of my stories from now on I’m going to refer to the old me and myself as He, I, and We. The old me, we were truly terrible. We felt nothing, at all, except pain, fuck, this is hard to say. We didn’t feel love or hate, joy or sorrow, guilt or envy, we felt nothing except pain and that empty pit that was everything else.

Pain was everything, not just pain done to myself, but pain that could be inflicted on others, it was his obsession because there was nothing else he could feel, the rest was an empty void, and pain was the only thing that could fill it. We learned about pain in so many ways, and pain that wouldn't leave marks was what he craved most, because that was the easiest to use as a weapon while remaining unseen.

We… we went out to have dinner with our family, and our server was only a little older than I was, maybe a few years. I had never seen her before, but I assumed we went to the same school, I found out later she did. When she came to ask us for our order, we saw her eyes, and if only for a moment there was nothing but pure pain in her eyes. His interest was sparked and we continued to watch her. We'd see it every now and then, in a smile or covered glimpse of her eyes, she was suffering more than anyone else we had ever met.

I found out later that her boyfriend’s mother had called her just a day or so ago and told her he killed himself because he couldn't be with her due to the distance they were apart, she told her she was the reason he was dead. The boyfriend hadn't killed himself; the mother was lying to try and break them up. After we finished our food, our family got up to leave and I was last to the door, had to be a gentleman and make sure things were tidy and to hold the door open for everyone else, and she gave us one last glance before we left, with a sad smile.

We saw everything in that moment, all of her pain and suffering, and we knew that she had lost the only thing she had left, hope. We knew that she needed anyone to be there for her at that moment, even if just to say it was gonna be all right, for someone to just notice her and let her feel some kind of love, but he didn't care, she was already in as much pain as she could possibly be and we had learned enough already to know about it, we couldn’t hurt her more and she couldn’t teach us anything else. We knew that if we left right then, that if we didn't go over to her, or just even say it's going to be all right, that we wouldn't see her again, we didn't know why but we knew we wouldn't.

Two days later she disappeared with an I-pod her boyfriend had sent her, her favorite backpack, and her father’s gun. She was found two days later in the front cab of a semi-truck she had broken into. I've never forgotten her, I remember her face, her name, the way she looked at us, that sadness, and eventually that look of lost hope, one that I saw in the mirror every day for the past 7 years of my life.

There's a million things I can say about what happened, her family should've noticed sooner, her boyfriend's mother should've never said those terrible things, and so many other things, but that doesn't change what we did. We saw all that she was going through, and we knew what would happen if we left, and we did it knowing that full well, because she didn't matter to him, he could get nothing from her. There’s no sugar coating it, and while there’s no guarantee we could’ve saved her, we CHOOSE to do nothing, despite knowing everything.

Before you try to tell me that’s all right, it’s not, and I remember every single day. I know  that trying to go up to someone like that to help them can be hard but it wouldn’t have been for us. We weren’t hesitant about anything, we feared nothing at that time, she simply meant nothing to us, so we didn’t care about her. Now, I’m sorry if this hurts you to read this and I’m sorry if it scares you.

To anyone who wants to know if I’m all right, no, I haven’t been all right for 13 years. My body is in constant pain every day, and my mind is shattered into a million pieces both from a number of disorders and guilt, BUT; the pieces of my heart and soul have been put back together, and the glue is finally starting to take hold, so I’m fine and eventually my mind will catch up. I hope everyone has a great day/night, and I hope that this somehow helps some of you.