Broken

Broken

Hello again, today I’m going to talk about the broken parts of my body and mind. Let’s start with physically, when I was very young I was in terrible car accident, my nose was cut in half and I took a heavy hit to the left of side of my head. The lingering effect of this is brain damage to the left half of my brain, which effects the right side of my body, and also caused pretty much system wide nerve damage. My ability to feel any kind of physical sensation is heavily diminished because of this.

I don’t feel heat and cold like normal people, I don’t feel physical pressure or pain to the same extent, and certain parts of my body have almost no feeling. The right side of my body is slightly off compared to the left, a slight droop to the skin, a limp in my right leg, my right arm doesn’t normally move when I walk, and when I smile the right side of my mouth doesn’t lift properly to form a full smile unless I put effort into it, and I mean actual effort that strains the muscles in my face.

One of the common things this effects is something like a hug, the feeling I have along most of my chest, arms, and hands is deadened, so I don’t really feel whoever I’m hugging. I still give hugs to friends and family when they’re needed, but I don’t normally do it because I don’t like that I can’t really feel whoever I’m hugging.

This may not seem like much compared to the next few things, but imagine not feeling the embrace of those you love, not something I like doing a lot. The type of hug I prefer, though this again is more for me, is being hugged from behind, though I doubt this is as comforting to the other person.

I also have delayed ejaculation, the opposite of premature ejaculation, it is difficult for me to actually be able to orgasm, sometimes it’s not possible at all. There are times when I can try multiple times in one day but still not be able to, the longest stretch so far has been three days of active effort, indirectly six days because of it. There are times it is easier to do, since it’s tied to my nerve damage, but more often than not it is large pain and something I’m concerned with in the future as it can cause problems in relationship.

The main problem, aside from all of that, is the fried nerve endings. Though they have little to no feeling, I suffer from something akin to phantom limb syndrome, I’m sure there’s a name for it, but my brain thinks it’s receiving signals from these nerve endings, the last signal received from them before they got fried, which is pain.

Everyday I suffer from pain due to this, most of the time it’s not a major issue, mostly mildly annoying as I’ve learned to live with it. Sometimes it goes past this point to become a nuisance and distraction, and there are occasional flares throughout the day that are painful which make it difficult to function but I can grit my teeth and bear it. Then, there are the very bad moments, which are rare thankfully.

These moments are often brought on by high stress and strenuous physical activity, but when the pain really flares up it’s crippling. It’s so intense that it takes over every other sense, it’s impossible to think or feel anything other than the all encompassing pain, it literally brings me to my knees when it gets this bad, which hasn’t happened in a few weeks thankfully. I’ve recently discovered a pain patch (the Kailo Pain Patch) that I can wear that helps with the pain.

Aside from the patch, there’s a military trick I learned to help deal with the pain. Since this pain is more or less in my head, actual injuries or pain draws the attention of the brain to it, which in turn causes the other pain to subside for the most part. I usually do this by punching something, either a solid surface such as a wall, or if there is nothing around than parts of my body, often my ribs since. I’ve nearly broken my hand a few times doing this, and have bruised multiple bones in doing so, sometimes the muscle spasms brought on by the pain itself is enough to bruise bone or muscle as well.

Before this pain patch, there were basically no feasibly affordable treatments for it, this patch is basically a miracle patch for me. I have yet to tell basically any of my family other than my brother, I haven’t wanted to bring undue stress since there’s nothing they can do. I also know they’d want to try and get treatments, which we just can’t afford.

These are the physical problems I have, and the parts of my mind mirror that of my body. I’ll talk about it more in my next post, but the old me, more or less another person, He was something truly horrific. I use the term monster because it’s more understandable, but living nightmare is closer to reality. I can’t really explain Him, He’s truly alien to most concepts we have and can put into words, but He is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen, and He did terrible, horrible things that haunt me to this day, luckily He’s dead now though, but again, later post.

I won’t go into everything I suffer from, but until recently I had severe depression, I dealt with it for the past 7 years, and I chose to do so alone and without telling anyone else. I struggled every day, hating myself every second of it, wishing I wouldn’t have to wake up the next day. I prayed almost every day that when I went to sleep that it’d be the last time I closed my eyes, but, I refused to ever entertain the thought of ending it myself.

I was lucky to have friends and family that cared about me like they did, because I wouldn’t have survived on my own. I would wake up some days cold and hurting in my heart, I would tearlessly cry until I couldn’t stand it anymore, and then I’d get up anyways and go through the day, then come home and do it again.

Two things kept me going forward, one is that I had to atone for the monster I’d been, to make up for the horrible things I’d done. The second is I refused to be selfish, to give in, I refused to let my grief take over and end the pain and take my own life, because if I did, I would hurt all those people that saved me in ways I couldn’t fix if I was gone.

Luckily, I’m through with that, but I have other lingering conditions, such as OCD and Misanthropy. The version of Misanthropy I have, as there are varying degrees of it, is more or less I don’t like new people, at all. Everyone starts off on the wrong foot with me. Most people are shocked to hear I have this, as I try to be polite and civil to everyone I meet, because I know I have this condition I intentionally fight to ignore it and give everyone a chance, because I actually make friends quite easily.

My ability to process information is also affected by the brain damage, this varies in a number of different ways. I have trouble with my memory, long term retention of things, such as habits like brushing my teeth, can be difficult to impossible, I have an alarm set to brush my teeth in the morning and night because I am incapable of remembering to do so on my own. My short term memory can be quite atrocious at times because of it, I forget something said to me less than 5 seconds ago sometimes, or that I’m doing something even while I’m doing it.

Long term memory has been effected, it is harder to retain certain information, especially if it isn’t actually relevant to my life in an impactful way, which has caused problems since I’m in college and most of the information I have to deal with isn’t really relevant. Other than memory, just understanding what people are saying, or me saying something I understand clearly but is in fact quite confusing to others, which can cause a number of problems during conversation.

There is more, but I’ve already taken plenty of you’re time, so I’ll end on how I feel about all of this. I hate it, I hate being reminded of how broken I am every day, when I have pain flares, when my limp acts up, when I injure myself and can’t feel the injury, or every time I can’t remember something that was just said to me or can’t understand what’s being said to me because my brain can’t process it. I’m reminded every day that I will never be able to have a truly normal life, that my mind and body are broken in irreparable ways.

Despite this, I’m happy with my life as it is now. I’m helping people, I’ve made amazing friends, many of which I consider family, and I’ll learn to not hate what’s wrong with my body and mind someday, so don’t feel too bad for me. I’ll get to a better place someday with all of this, and one day I will be able to afford more permanent treatments for my conditions. Thank you for your time, and I hope you have a wonderful day and night.

For those interested who may be interested in the pain patch, here is a link. https://getkailo.io/offer-01/?lpid=0567&utm_source=1148&utm_medium=9150607322&utm_term=567&utm_content=&utm_campaign=0&aff_id=1148&camp_id=0&sub_id=9150607322&req_id=14d0458fb0cf4467a21f807fb6e7d21b&contract_id=0&oid=567&device_type=PC&country_name=United%20States&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIi7ql4LDa6QIVUfDACh3JdA58EAAYASAAEgLxOvD_BwE

The Shower

DO NOT OPEN THIS EMAIL AT WORK

 

            So, I promised that I’d tell you about that shower I took the other day, the one where I took my fleshlight with me. The one where I said I’d be thinking of you and all those pictures you sent me and the dirty things you said. I always keep my promises. I’ll skip the boring stuff, turning the fan on so it wouldn’t steam up as much, starting some nice sexy music, the slow undressing as I imagined you watching me from the bed while I slowly undid my belt buckle.

Then how I undid each button slowly with one hand, all while I sat down to pull off my boxers in a way to make my already hard cock bounce. After that I started to slowly stroke and tease myself just a little before hopping into the shower, the boring stuff you know. Then of course I grabbed the fleshlight and the lube, the new one we bought, and the reviews were not wrong about it, very high quality, and I look forward to when we get to use it together.

I got in, still hard, and the first thing I was thinking of was walking up to you laying on your stomach on the bed. Looking up at me as I walked up to you, reaching out with your hand to feel how hard and throbbing I already was. I got myself some lube, stroked it onto my cock, thinking of how good your hands would feel doing it for me.

Then I applied to the fleshlight using two fingers, imaging that I was reaching down the bed to your pussy while you stroked me and just teasing your pussy with them. After it was amply lubed up I of course started working my cock, which was already throbbing, and I imagined that you were still lying down on your stomach, moving your mouth up and down, nice and slow and all the way to the back of your throat, and FUCKKKKK it was incredible.

My knees buckled as I first went all the way into the fleshlight, I even heard you moan in my ear, and I knew right then that I wasn’t going to last that long, not imaging that. I didn’t care either, I was already lost in the feeling of my cock balls deep into the fleshlight, imaging your mouth wrapped around me, lost in the images in my head, and I started pumping myself faster, and faster, hearing it make all sorts of noises as my cock moved in and out of it.

I wasn’t gentle, not like I normally am with you, I was rough, hard, and stroking myself as fast as I could, imagining that I was fucking your mouth and throat and hearing your moans while you were fingering yourself. I’m so hard right now just telling you about it, fuck, I’ll take care of that later, maybe you can help me after you get off… of work ; ).

It felt amazing, the lube mixed with the interior of it, I could feel each little bump on the inside as they went over every inch of my cock, making my breath hitch, my legs shake. Whenever I hit that spot just under the head in just the right way, I started seeing stars. It was so intense, but I couldn’t hold back or stop.

I had to keep pumping and feeling it as I fucked myself, thinking of fucking your mouth. When I got close I imagined you still there, laying down in front me. Playing with your soaking wet pussy, so wet I could hear it, beginning to get close as well.

The noises you were making, I wanted to cum right then but I wanted to wait so we could cum together, which is exactly what I imagined. When I came, I pumped the fleshlight full of so much cum that it was spilling out of it, which made a great mental image, your mouth full of all the cum you worked out of my cock, spilling out because there was just too much to keep in your mouth.

            I imagined you swallowing what you could, catching what spilled and licking it off your hands. Then moving down to clean my cock off, and the look of surprise on your face because I was still rock fucking hard. I slowed down, but I kept pumping myself, so sensitive after such an intense orgasm, and I had to brace myself against the wall, but I imagined pulling you up out of the bed and to your feet while I took your place and got on my back.

I turned on the shower then, but I didn’t stop pumping myself, I moved slow, up and down, and made sure to work every inch of my cock. I spent the next 20 minutes fucking myself with the fleshlight, imagining you on top of me, riding me like there was no tomorrow until you came again.

Then I thought of me pinning you beneath me, face down on the mattress, as I buried myself to the hilt in you and started thrusting slowly, methodically, over and over again. I imagined you screaming my name as I made you cum again, you biting into my arm, feeling your pussy clench around my cock.

I couldn’t cum again, I came close so many times but I couldn’t go over, though I think I had a full body orgasm while doing so, my entire body clenched, my legs almost gave out from under me, and I started shaking and I felt like electricity or fire was coursing through me, there was even aftershocks from it. I tried again, and the same thing, my body a live-wire for the sensation, which gives me some ideas for some fun we can have tonight, hope you enjoy the email, I’ll have the shower ready when you get home.

 

Wanting To Hide

Wanting To Hide

So, here we are, nearing 4 months since I stepped into the world really, it’s been a jarring experience. Before all of this, I was nobody, just another hurting soul, though my past might be one of the few truly singular experiences left in the world, God I hope so, no one should go through what I did.

Anyways, I was nobody, I didn’t show myself to the world, I didn’t reach out to people, I didn’t do anything close to what I do now, I was both a-sexual and a-romantic, I barely felt any emotion other than sorrow, I had little interest in other people in general, I just slogged through the days, just waiting for sleep so I didn’t have to be awake anymore, looking forward to the day I wouldn’t wake up.

            Now, I’m in a much more public view, I talk to people, I reach out, not only am I no longer a-sexual and a-romantic, I have in fact started relationships with people, they are online relationships but they’re just as important to me as physical relationships. I feel things now, much more than hurt, I feel proper joy, happiness, I’m starting to love myself, I have these feelings for these people that I care so deeply about, honestly it’s all over whelming.

I don’t really know how to control all of these emotions, especially these feelings I’m developing for people romantically, I don’t know how to make boundaries and prevent myself from developing these feeling for other people as well, though I think I’m starting too. There’s others I’m not in relationships with that I have strong feelings for,  but I don’t want to take steps towards them until I learn how to control what I’m feeling now, because without that control I’m scared that I would end up hurting them.

All of these things are making every fiber of my being scream at me to run and hide, the voices inside my head are yelling at the top of their lungs dying to be heard. They’re all telling me that I’ve made a huge mistake and that I shouldn’t be here, that I’m going to hurt people, that I don’t deserve any of these amazing things, and that everyone would be better if I just left, that people are just lying to me and trying to hurt me even more.

Part of me agrees, I still don’t think I deserve any of the amazing things that have happened. I have new family and friends that I can’t imagine my life without. I have fans, people who enjoy the things I create, things that help them, things I plan on doing. I can feel again, hope, joy, love, even heartache, and I don’t want to let go of any of it.

I don’t want to leave, and while I don’t think I deserve any of this, I CHOOSE to embrace it, I CHOOSE to ignore the voices in my head and everything in my body telling me to hide, I CHOOSE to live a life that I can’t imagine because I WANT to live this absolutely crazy life. There will be days when those voices are louder, when I just want to shrink away from everything I’ve done, take everything down, where I just want to retreat back into the shadows of being unknown and leave all of this behind as a fantasy that never would’ve worked out.

Those days are bad, I remember all the bad things I’ve done, some people that have been hurt by what I’ve done now, and then there are the days the voices try to turn me against the people I care about. They try to find reasons for me to not trust others, for me to push them away, to build back the walls I’ve torn down, they have the foundation set already, they’re just waiting for the bricks.

Despite these days, I continue on, I ignore them as best I can no matter how loud they scream, and no matter how much it hurts to do so. I’ve chosen to believe that I’m doing the right thing, that people can actually care about me, cherish me, think of me as a good person. Not every day will be easy, and these voices aren’t leaving anytime soon, but neither am I, I plan on staying.

If you ever see me starting to stray from this path, just point me back  here, remind me of everything I’ve done, and everything I want to do, because I don’t want to leave. Thank you all for being here, thank you all for reading, and most of all, thank you for believing in me even when I don’t, thank you.

Just Three Word, Pt. 2

Before you read this post, please be sure to read part 1, Just Three Word. I hope you enjoy the continuation of the story, and are hooked and looking forward to the even more climactic end to the story in part 3.

Just Three Words Pt. 2 

Seeing you there, feeling your body as your ass is facing me, both of us still lying on the couch, your pussy glistening as you rub it against the head of my throbbing cock, I can’t help but reach out to lightly spank that delicious ass of yours. Hearing you moan as I do causes a wave of pleasure to course through my body, and the groans I make say as much as you turn around and give a delightful giggle.

“Enjoying the show I see, I think I know something you’ll enjoy even more, especially since I have the lead now, sit up.” I can’t help but shudder at those words, not knowing what you have planned, but knowing full well you’re going to torture me in the best way possible. As you get up, I do as you say, pulling myself upright and leaning forward, grazing a kiss against that delicious ass of yours as I do.

You stand up, pulling away from me, giving me a full view of your beautiful body. As you slowly begin to move yourself in between my legs, two thoughts cross my mind. First, how unbelievably stunning you look; and second, how unbelievably lucky I am to be here with you. You stop moving as a large goofy grin comes across my face, “Not exactly the response I was expecting when giving you such a wonderful view.”

“Was this what you were expecting?” I ask as I move my hands up your thighs, moving one hand in between your legs and the other to hold onto your hips. I slowly start massaging your pussy, still soaking wet from just a few minutes ago. I move my thumb to your clit and start slow circles with my hand. The sight of you biting your lip and the moan you make immediately makes me throb and I can’t help myself as my other hand begins to stroke my throbbing cock, the goofy grin replaced by a look of primal lust.

I go slow, soft, enjoying everything I’m seeing. You pushing back into my hand, your own hands moving up to those gorgeous tits and beginning to play with your erect nipples, the look on your face as you just enjoy this moment, skin still glistening with sweat from just a few minutes ago. You move one of your hands down and push mine away, “As I said, I think I know something you’ll enjoy more than the show.” 

Once again that grin, the one that tells me you have something special planned, paired with the look of want in your eyes as you see the precum that has coated the head of my cock that I’ve stroked onto myself, I can’t help but let out another groan. You push me back into the couch, opening my legs and taking your place again. You watch me from over your shoulder, that look on your face, coy, confident, as you take what you want. You know it’s your turn to be in charge and how much I’m going to love every second of it.

 You turn around to face away from me, moving your hips downward, and beginning to grind yourself against the head of my cock. Instead of pushing me inside of you, you push my throbbing member back against my stomach and start to grind your lips along each side of it. Pinning my hands beneath yours, you move slowly, letting your juices coat my cock more and more as your pussy glides up and down.

The heat emanating from you, and the noises we’re both making are quickly pushing me towards the edge again, my body already tensing. You turn your head back to look at me, pushing harder onto my cock, and I can’t help but let lose a growl as my eyes roll back, the edge suddenly there. The growl turns into a moan as you slow down, a soft chuckle escaping your lips.

You stop, leaning back for a kiss, before starting to grind once again, slow, tortuously slow, as our tongues intertwine. I can taste and feel our lust as we kiss, all our passion flowing through us as we press into each other, starting to rip away my self-control. My hands begin to move on their own, pushing against yours and reaching for your body.

With a light chuckle, you stop, pushing against me and getting up, pushing my hands back down to my side. My cock is throbbing as it aches for the feel of your pussy once again. I take a deep breath as you turn around to face me, attempting to regain some of my composure and control as you lean over me, climbing up onto the couch and straddling my lap.

I want to lean in, take your breasts into my mouth, move my hands over your body and ass, to plunge into you, but I wait for your lead, right now it’s your turn to be in charge. You again push my cock against my stomach and begin to grind against me, grabbing my hands and moving both to your tits, my fingers brushing across your erect nipples, massaging and kneading, ready to match the pace at which you grind against me.

I was expecting you to start slow, to tease and torture me, but you start by grinding fast and hard, pushing against me, only for a few seconds before going back to that slow torturous pace from before. The pattern continues, a few seconds of hard grinding then slow torture, and I love every second of it. I can feel your pussy throbbing, just like my cock.

We’re both starting to get close, we’re both beginning to lose control, we’re both beginning to rise to that edge, but I’m not ready for that yet, I have another plan. As you arch your head back, letting lose another moan, I use the distraction to my advantage. I move my hands down to that gorgeous ass of yours, getting a nice firm grip, and push up as your lost in the pleasure, lifting you into the air and pinning you beneath me, my cock still in between your pussy lips.

I start to grind, just like you, at that slow pace, moving down to push my my mouth to yours, silencing your words with my lust and desire, our tongues intertwining. I continue that slow pace, as we massage each other’s tongues, my hands beginning to move over your body, massaging, caressing, holding you close, as you wrap your legs around my waist and arms around my back and shoulders.

I continue that slow pace, never changing, and I can feel your body reacting. Your breath is becoming short and ragged, your legs and arms clutching me tighter, your heart beating like jack hammer in your chest. My own body is mirroring your reactions, we’re both so close, on the edge once again.

I move my mouth lower, down to that spot on your neck, in between your shoulder blade and ear, the spot you love for me to kiss or, as I’m about to do, bite ever so gently. I can feel your body begin to shake as I bite and kiss that spot, I can hear the moans beginning to grow louder, matching my own. I continue that slow pace, pushing harder against you, growling in your ear, “Do you want to cum for me?”

This time, no words, just clutching me as tight as you can, nodding, your back arching against the couch. I can feel you, just like me on the cliff once again, the precipice of pleasure, right above the roiling waves just waiting to jump over. “What are you waiting for, you know you can at any time.” I don’t stop my pace, and the low whimper you give almost pushes me over, but I haven’t said the words yet, you know what I’m wanting to hear.

I look into your eyes, I see the want and need in them, and I see the defiance as well, not wanting to lose control. I move my mouth to the other side of your neck, right beneath your ear, and leave my mouth just above that spot, one hot breath against your skin, “I see, you don’t want to cum for me, how about now?”

I lower my mouth to that spot, gently sucking before giving it a light bite, followed by a slow kiss. Your back arches again, both a moan and whimper coming out of your mouth, causing a groan to come from mine as I continue the kiss. The last threads of self control finally unravelling, your need, I can feel it, overtaking, all encompassing.

You express all of it in one simple word, harshly whispered in between ragged breaths “Please.” I can feel your body starting to stiffen as you say it, like mine, you beginning to jump off that cliff, over the edge.

“Cum, for, me,” I whisper harshly, a low growl, all I can manage as I hold onto the last threads of my own control, as you go over, your second orgasm ripping through you. Your body reacts, holding me as tight as possible as I continue to grind against your pussy, not stopping, riding the orgasm with you.

I look down as you finally come down from the high of it, stopping my grinding before I go over as well, “I think that’s the first time the second orgasm has been so intense, good to know I’m improving” as I lean in for another kiss. “Now, it’s my turn to ask, just 20 minutes left, think you can handle it?”

You laugh, such a lovely sound, “Well, I only need to outlast you, and judging from how hard you are, that shouldn’t be too difficult.” Another laugh, as I lift you from the couch, pulling you in for another kiss. I can see in your eyes that we both have the same thought, I love this game.

I have recorded an audio of me reading this short, and if you wish to hear it is available for if you donate $3 on my ko-fi page (https://ko-fi.com/zanevi). I am highly honored by anyone for thinking my work is worth both your time and money, sincerely, thank you. (The audio is 11 minutes long). Once you have completed the purchase be sure to leave me a message with an email address to send the audio to, and I should receive an email notification and will send you the audio as soon as I can, but please keep any receipt or take a screen shot for verification for if I don't and send it to my email address zanepearsall@yahoo.com and I will send you the audio as soon as I can.