Wanting To Hide

Wanting To Hide

So, here we are, nearing 4 months since I stepped into the world really, it’s been a jarring experience. Before all of this, I was nobody, just another hurting soul, though my past might be one of the few truly singular experiences left in the world, God I hope so, no one should go through what I did.

Anyways, I was nobody, I didn’t show myself to the world, I didn’t reach out to people, I didn’t do anything close to what I do now, I was both a-sexual and a-romantic, I barely felt any emotion other than sorrow, I had little interest in other people in general, I just slogged through the days, just waiting for sleep so I didn’t have to be awake anymore, looking forward to the day I wouldn’t wake up.

            Now, I’m in a much more public view, I talk to people, I reach out, not only am I no longer a-sexual and a-romantic, I have in fact started relationships with people, they are online relationships but they’re just as important to me as physical relationships. I feel things now, much more than hurt, I feel proper joy, happiness, I’m starting to love myself, I have these feelings for these people that I care so deeply about, honestly it’s all over whelming.

I don’t really know how to control all of these emotions, especially these feelings I’m developing for people romantically, I don’t know how to make boundaries and prevent myself from developing these feeling for other people as well, though I think I’m starting too. There’s others I’m not in relationships with that I have strong feelings for,  but I don’t want to take steps towards them until I learn how to control what I’m feeling now, because without that control I’m scared that I would end up hurting them.

All of these things are making every fiber of my being scream at me to run and hide, the voices inside my head are yelling at the top of their lungs dying to be heard. They’re all telling me that I’ve made a huge mistake and that I shouldn’t be here, that I’m going to hurt people, that I don’t deserve any of these amazing things, and that everyone would be better if I just left, that people are just lying to me and trying to hurt me even more.

Part of me agrees, I still don’t think I deserve any of the amazing things that have happened. I have new family and friends that I can’t imagine my life without. I have fans, people who enjoy the things I create, things that help them, things I plan on doing. I can feel again, hope, joy, love, even heartache, and I don’t want to let go of any of it.

I don’t want to leave, and while I don’t think I deserve any of this, I CHOOSE to embrace it, I CHOOSE to ignore the voices in my head and everything in my body telling me to hide, I CHOOSE to live a life that I can’t imagine because I WANT to live this absolutely crazy life. There will be days when those voices are louder, when I just want to shrink away from everything I’ve done, take everything down, where I just want to retreat back into the shadows of being unknown and leave all of this behind as a fantasy that never would’ve worked out.

Those days are bad, I remember all the bad things I’ve done, some people that have been hurt by what I’ve done now, and then there are the days the voices try to turn me against the people I care about. They try to find reasons for me to not trust others, for me to push them away, to build back the walls I’ve torn down, they have the foundation set already, they’re just waiting for the bricks.

Despite these days, I continue on, I ignore them as best I can no matter how loud they scream, and no matter how much it hurts to do so. I’ve chosen to believe that I’m doing the right thing, that people can actually care about me, cherish me, think of me as a good person. Not every day will be easy, and these voices aren’t leaving anytime soon, but neither am I, I plan on staying.

If you ever see me starting to stray from this path, just point me back  here, remind me of everything I’ve done, and everything I want to do, because I don’t want to leave. Thank you all for being here, thank you all for reading, and most of all, thank you for believing in me even when I don’t, thank you.